You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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