So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
