I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
