Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
