I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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