If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
