and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
