So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
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Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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