Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
