If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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