How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
