dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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