Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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