I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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