new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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