I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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