I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
