i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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