Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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