I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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