Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
