I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
