I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
