i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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