Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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