I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
