Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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