so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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