I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
