You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
