U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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