I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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