I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
