We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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