There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
