Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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