there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
