my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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