Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
