Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
