Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
