Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
