My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
