I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
