my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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