I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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