I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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