I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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