Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think i got beer on your cat.
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