you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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