dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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