He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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