i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I didn't notice because vodka
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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