Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
