its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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