The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
