she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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