Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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