Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My cat gives me a boner
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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