I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
