Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
