Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
